On Intentions, Devotion, Grief, and the Path Ahead

Musings on my own transformation, grief, intention-setting, and the importance of taking risks in the direction of one's heart.

It’s been a minute. This past month, I’ve been deep in preparation mode for a long-awaited journey. I spoke a bit about this in my previous piece. And now, tonight, I’ll begin my descent. Without getting into specifics, let’s just say, this liminal space and the inherent grief I’ve been navigating the past month and a half is nearly at its end. I can see the light, but first there is much darkness and shadow to face.

In my last piece I wrote, “I am being initiated. But I have not fully accepted it. Begrudgingly, I wake up into the dark, slippery Unknown of my life.”

This morning I woke up and wrote this in my latest story:

“The truth is, Onnie, there’s no map for where you’re going. You follow the mountain until she is wide above and beneath you, until she engulfs you in her bosom. No one has taken that path before. Many have gone the opposite way, but none the way you’re going. The way you’re going is dim and strange. A great mystery. But don’t let your fear stop you. Don’t let it turn you around. You’ve got to walk through it, and maybe take its hand and drag it along, so that it too may see the splendor of the mountaintop and know it is okay to let go, to let you be as you were meant to be, as you truly are and were before this world got its teeth into you.”

Now, like my protagonist, I am setting out into the dim strangeness of my own transformative path. Tonight I will make my descent, grief in tow. I will go down into the underworld to die, to burn away the old, to be cleansed right down to the bone.

And from the ashes I will rise anew. Of this I am certain.

All signs point to this death. Not the death of anything external. Just the death of the old stories I’ve kept inside like self-fulfilling prophecies. They are to be released. The final offerings before the rebirth.

There is no way out of this death. One cannot bargain their way out of death. This was written long ago. All of this is kindling for the flame that will burn away the old and give rise to the new. I must sit in the fire, let it be. Let myself be open and tender and raw and afraid. Walk upon the glowing coals. Crawl into the earth. Beckon the serpent to wrap around my old tired bones and entomb me in the dark womb of death and rebirth.

But what exactly is dying?

The wounded self who contorts and controls, who bargains and retreats in terror, who is afraid to feel, afraid to surrender to the higher path, the higher knowing.

What’s being born?

The Self who loves and creates out of recognition of what she is. The Self who trusts in her own inner knowing, who does not outsource it to others, who does not depend on external validation or confirmation to ride forward upon the Chariot into the heart of the new world.

I am not dying. But the old ways are. The things that are not me at all. The things that cannot hold the new light. The structures that are too old and broken. That is what must die for the new to rise.

What will emerge is the truest version of me, unimpeded by the old wounds, but transformed by them. What will emerge is the one who lives from her deep purpose, who unflinchingly follows her path and her work, and who knows love will come to her as much as it lives in her. She is the one who does not chase, but receives.

The path is not about loving another. It is about loving my own calling, my own purpose. What’s dying is the outsourcing. What’s being born, finally, is the insourcing. The devotion of and to soul.

Here, I’d like to speak on intentions. Intentions are a way of orienting ourselves in the world. We can intend but we cannot control. We can only devote ourselves to acting upon those intentions consciously and consistently. And from there we must let go; we must let our intentions take their strange, circuitous routes.

In mid-2019, long before I had any idea I’d be working with plant medicine, long before I had any idea where my music career was headed, I wrote these intentions. I share them now, with you, that you may see how intentions can transform our lives, lead us down a path so long as we give them our steadfast devotion. I share them also to confirm in myself that writing is a powerful, transformative tool for the creation of one’s life. So here they are, my intentions which I wrote in 2019 before I had any idea what my life would become in the following years:

“Now we turn to the matter of the author’s intentions for the manifestation of her own future.

SPIRITUAL/EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL:

First and foremost, I intend to manifest a greater sense of self-acceptance — bringing the heretofore hidden parts of myself to the surface for integration.

I intend to cultivate a deeper appreciation and love for my body.

I intend to feel heretofore suppressed emotions.

To embrace my womanhood.

My sensitivity. Yes. I intend to finally and truly own my sensitivities. That I might gain a deeper understanding of myself. It’s not every day you get to truly own your emotional life. ESPECIALLY WHEN OTHERS TELL YOU IT’S TOO MUCH. My emotional life is a gift. It imbues my life with deeper meaning and sensation. It is what drives me to care so deeply. I intend to love myself. And all the emotions that come from my being. I am a sacred goddess of a woman. Eccentric. Joyous. Pained. Who am I but a reflection of the Mother? She who came to visit me all those years ago, to gaze discerningly upon me. Who am I but a reflection of her? And the divine feminine that possesses my soul.

I intend to manifest a deeper sense of responsibility over my own life.

In other words, I intend to fully own myself as my true savior. No more hiding who I am and who I want to be. I am here to bring my highest life into fruition — in this timeline with all of my guides and angels present to witness... I am shifting into a timeline of abundance, prosperity, deep creative fulfillment, and love abound both platonic and romantic — a timeline of deeper personal resolve and resilience. I intend to release my old, self-defeating habits and conditionings with compassion, patience, and profound awareness. I intend to embrace my biggest dreams. And to not fear my choices. I intend to embrace the fear. To walk in the direction it guards. Which brings us to:

MUSIC

I am an international DJ and producer. My tracks are featured in mixes by some of the best DJs in the world. I play music for people all over the world and get to connect through sound and dance and the exchange of energy with all sorts of beautiful people. I intend to manifest strong connections in underground music communities all over the world. I make unique and exciting tracks that thousands of people listen to. I get booked for queer parties with beautiful love energy coursing through the room. I get booked to play festivals in the woods. Through my DJing I get to commune with people and the environment, connecting with nature and seeing the world. I intend to manifest a deeper discipline of digging, mixing, and producing.”

The music intentions are especially striking. “I am an international DJ and producer. My tracks are featured in mixes by some of the best DJs in the world. I play music for people all over the world.” All of this has come to pass. The specifics all look a bit different. But the meat of it has come true. And now, having learned what I’ve learned, I am releasing the ambitions that once drove me to cross the pond and play around the world. I don’t really care anymore about that path.

I will no doubt continue to make and play music but it will be on my terms, and it will have nothing to do with achieving conventional markers of success. I’ve played enough clubs and festivals to know the hype isn’t worth it. That’s not to say I’m not grateful for the opportunities, or that I’m closed off to them. I will continue to play gigs in New York and consider taking some outside the city, so long as they fulfill me on some level. But I’m stepping back from these intentions because frankly I achieved them. I am an international DJ and producer. I won Best New DJ at the Beatport Awards, and you know what? That trophy sits on my dresser in my studio collecting dust. That’s how much external validation means to me as an artist now—very little, that is. What matters to me is giving my gifts to those who need it, who receive it as medicine, liberatory, healing, joyous medicine.

What’s really striking is that all of these intentions set in motion the life I’m living now, the life I’m stepping into. I did not know when I set them that I’d be so deep in the work of plant medicine, that it would be the plants who would help me feel my long-suppressed emotions, that it would be the plants who would lead me to my first death, and second birth. And here I am, on that precipice about to make the great fated descent of my life, trusting that what will arise from it is a renewed sense of being, of purpose and power, trust and clarity, and above all else, the fulfillment of the other set of intentions I wrote in that same 2019 piece, which I’ll share with you now:

WRITING

I am a bestselling author. I write bestselling novels that are read by millions of people all over the world. My novels are funny and heartfelt, crazy and down to earth. They help people live truly authentic lives. To embrace themselves as I have worked so hard to do. I intend to learn the art of discipline, that I may truly become the writer I know I am. I am going to publish a piece of writing in the next year. And most importantly, I’m going to rediscover the joy of this craft. Allow it to be the vehicle through which I travel the material and astral realms. I am a bestselling author. A novelist. A writer of short stories. And music/culture articles for large publications like Vice. I am self-sufficient and able to pay my debts down. I am saving for my future. I am investing in my deepest passion. I am a writer. And I write every single day for at least thirty minutes, no exceptions. I intend to manifest in myself a true appreciation for discipline and the experience of committing to myself and my dreams each and every day.

I’ve been thinking on this last bit quite a lot since rediscovering this piece of writing. I’ve asked myself why these dreams haven’t happened yet. For a long time I thought it was because I wasn’t trying hard enough. And there’s the rub. This dream, like another dream I have—the one of building a lifelong romantic partnership with someone of equal heart, power and depth—could not be manifested from “trying hard enough.”

Trying hard enough is, in my estimation, a function of ego striving, of control, and also of an underlying belief that I must fight and grind and prove that I’m worthy of my dreams. And I’ve realized that my writing dreams and dreams of love could never have manifested from that place—from the place of ego. For these are soul-level dreams, and as such they can only come from my soul. I can only manifest them when I am firmly, deeply rooted in the new life that is being born now inside of me.

And I can only hope that my next six years offer the same level of intention-fulfillment, because I would like to be a bestselling author. I would like millions to read my novels, to be changed by them. I would like to help people live more authentic lives as I am learning to do. That is my medicine. And I intend to administer it to the willing.

It’s amazing what can be transformed if we set our minds to it. I think we’re all capable of intending things and manifesting them through steadfast devotion. It’s a matter of trusting ourselves enough to make those giant leaps in the direction of our hearts. It’s also a matter of exhuming the wounded core beliefs that hold us back from attaining that which we most desire. We must, as I’ve said in previous pieces, shed light on and integrate our shadows if we want to step into wholeness. That’s where the magic is. That’s where life really starts happening.

I wanted to talk about grief when this piece started and now I’m talking about personal power and leaps of faith and devotion. And I suppose that’s the keyhole of my grief. I have spent the past month and a half in deep grief, missing the woman I love. And this grief has led me into myself, to see those parts of me that need love and attention and care, those parts of me that grieve the original separation—the feeling of being separate from that which I love. Those are the parts craving union. And those are the parts that alchemically transform my life given the space and energy to express. For in them lies the great truth of my being:

That I, like you, am not separate from the whole of Creation. Brother I am thou.

But I do not fully feel that in my bones. When I walk down a busy street, sometimes I feel I am one with all the passersby, with the falling leaves, the rain-spotted sidewalk, the trash in the gutter, all of it. Sometimes I do not. Sometimes I am annoyed and overwhelmed by it all. Sometimes I feel so remote from others, so alone and unseen. Sometimes I feel so separate that it breaks my heart. But that heartbreak is a breaking open, an egg cracking, a fire rising from the yoke.

Thus, this separation from the woman I love is a gift of profound love, for it is cracking me open, to understand what I have misunderstood, to see rightly with my heart that is bound, in love, to all things. This separation is giving me back to myself. It is enabling me to anchor the most incredible and aligned changes into my life that I may build it on solid, strong foundations, regardless of external validations and confirmations. That much is inevitable—my own transformation, my own death and rebirth—the death of the old striving, fearful self, the death of old patterns, and the birth of the embodied High Self, living in steadfast loving devotion to her truth, living it calmly and comfortably each day without consideration for the future. That’s the real ticket, the one I learned from one of my first spiritual mentors:

Do what you love to the fullest extent with zero expectation of the outcome.

That’s where the magic happens. That’s where dreams come true. Not through chasing. Not through controlling and contorting and pained striving, but through daily embodiment of and devotion to that which you love. When you are anchored in your heart—when you heal your heart and exhume from it all the old broken stories, when you cleanse it of the lies so it bears only the truth—that’s when you begin to live from a place of Divine personal power. You are connected to the cosmos and the earth in equal measure. You are walking the path intended for you, your destiny.

Destiny is no great thing. Destiny is just being who you are. It’s shedding all the layers of falsehood that are not you, but that you inherited and internalized growing up. Destiny is returning to your own source, a child again. Destiny is knowing “it is okay to let go, to be as you were meant to be, as you truly are and were before this world got its teeth into you.”

So what’s really dying in me is all that cannot cross the threshold with me, all that I inherited and internalized in the past which kept me safe and helped me navigate the world when I did not know who I really was. What’s dying is all of those old, maladaptive programs, beliefs, habits, ways of being that now impede the fulfillment of my highest potential.

That is the gift of the plants and my devotion to them, too. They help me purge everything untrue that’s been stuck inside me all these long years. They help me shed the dead weight until I am light as a feather floating through the sky. They help me integrate my shadow and shine, baby.

And that’s what I hope for everyone who reads this. I pray for your wholeness, your healing, your shadow integration. I pray you find the courage to face all that overwhelms you. I pray you sit calmly and lovingly as the fire burns it all away and reveals only what is true in you. And the truth is, you are love. You are meant to love and be loved, to create the life that fulfills you. I pray you find that life and it finds you. I pray you all come home to yourselves, as I am doing now.

Thank you for reading.

I will be offline until Thanksgiving. In the meantime, I just want to say thank you again to all of my subscribers, free and paid. Your support means so much to me. I have said this and it bears repeating. My gratitude for your reading is unending. It has been such a blessing to share my voice after so many years of keeping it to myself. Thank you for walking this path with me. And please do not hesitate to reach out to me if you want to talk about your own journey. I will gladly listen.

All my love,

Zoey